How I changed my perception of frugality

It is well known that our perceptions deeply influence our behaviors. If we have a negative view of wealthy people then it becomes much more difficult to become one. In the same manner, adopting frugality as part of our daily life won’t be easy if we perceive it as being the same as being stingy or ungenerous.

Growing up that was the attitude people around me had about frugal living. It was either the only option you had because of your economical status, or what you did because you were just “cheap.”  

In other words, if you had resources and chose not to spend them, you were labeled as having a scarcity mentality. Somehow saving wasn’t viewed as a positive thing to do. Instead, those around me perceived it as accumulating resources for the sake of fear while refusing to enjoy life to the fullest.  

This general message didn’t change much after I moved to the United States. It took me a while to come across the word “frugality” as I was learning English.  However, it didn’t take long to realize that “cheap” wasn’t just the opposite of expensive, it also described the person that didn’t spend as much as the rest.

The frugal weirdo

My tendency towards spending less have always puzzled my parents. 

When I was younger, it was odd that I would pick one or two items in a store even when my dad would encourage us to get whatever we wanted. Two decades later, they still couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t buy a brand new car after getting my first job out of graduate school. 

Looking back, I always had a natural bent to be frugal.  Earlier on, it wasn’t directed towards a specific goal or purpose.  Part of me wanted to avoid the complexities associated with having more things.  I seem to be an expert on losing items, staining clothes and scratching gadgets and I wasn’t a fan of dealing with the consequences. The easy solution was to skip having the thing, especially if it didn’t bring me that much joy to begin with.

I questioned myself often as it seemed that my inclination to be frugal was confused with lacking ambition and being stingy. 

When I was living at home my behavior seemed unusual. As an adult, it was concerning to my parents that I didn’t seem to have a strong desire for money.  However, all along I was driven about my career plans. Plus I didn’t feel I was “cheap” when it came to spending on what I valued such as experiences or food –yes, I really value good food 😊. 

A definition that finally made sense

What I came to realize later, is that some people are innately frugal while others are not naturally inclined to save and optimize their spending. Either way, frugality by nature or purpose is a key aspect of a healthy financial life, while excessive spending as a measure of achievement and success is an all-too common societal misconception.

Coming across Ramit Sethi’s definition of frugality helped me put words into how I felt about being frugal.  He said:

“Frugality, quite simply, is about choosing the things you love enough to spend extravagantly on—and then cutting costs mercilessly on the things you don’t love.”

That was it!

I valued experiences, good food, giving, yoga classes but I could care less about driving a new car or having the latest iphone. 

Not wanting to have the things that others associated with achievement and success didn’t mean I lacked an abundance mindset; it just meant I valued different things and refused to align my choices based on other’s expectations of me.

At first, it wasn’t easy to accept that my ways didn’t make my parents proud.  I wasn’t concerned about the opinion of others, but I felt conflicted about their disapproval.   I even spent some time trying to hide my frugality when they would come visit because I wanted them to see me as successful.

It took a while to understand that their judgement came from their ingrained beliefs about frugality and wealth– it really had nothing to do with me.  Later, I understood that it wasn’t just the societal pressures that surrounded our family, but also their own money-related experiences and disappointments that made them reject the idea of savings.

Embracing frugality

Learning about personal finance helped me direct my frugality towards a purpose. 

When we were starting out and in debt, even the spending on the things I loved had to be reduced or eliminated temporarily.  However, it was clear to me that we were adding to our lives instead of subtracting.  This made it much easier to view frugality as positively impacting our lives instead of something I had to feel embarrassed about.

Addressing our spending habits was also a great way to discover what we truly valued.  In my case, I rarely spent on shopping, but I would easily overspend on restaurants and events.  Since what I valued was good food and good times with friends, I was able to enjoy their company and share awesome dishes when we got together for potlucks for example.  I also started being more resourceful when it came to finding free activities around town and using our local library.  By embracing frugality, we learned to find ways to get the value without the over spending.

Being frugal allowed us to free up resources to pay our debt and eventually add to our savings.  Frugality came naturally sometimes, but when it didn’t, it was a choice we made to improve our lives.  In the process, we were learning about ourselves and what gives us joy.  Additionally, we got practice with setting boundaries and goals instead of feeling victimized by our current situation and people’s opinions regarding our choices.

But what if frugality doesn’t come naturally?

It is crucial we understand that not everyone has a natural inclination towards being frugal.  Failing to accept this, will make it even more difficult to bring a reluctant spouse on board.  Dismissing our inherent predisposition, can also make us feel unnecessary shame or resentment towards them or even towards ourselves.  Sometimes we just have a natural tendency to spend or save but many times there are deeper issues behind our habits that shouldn’t be invalidated.  Removing our judgement while having open communication about money is not always easy, but necessary and well-worth the effort.

If frugality seems like a huge sacrifice, it is likely because we haven’t defined a big enough “why” that makes us look beyond the immediate decisions. Shifting the focus to the long term goal and the big picture dream is how we can begin to view frugal choices in a positive light – this is also how we can find common ground with an spouse that is hesitant to commit to a financial plan.

A stressful paycheck-to-paycheck life can begin to shift when we allow ourselves to dream of the possibilities.  The dreams can turn into plans and the plans into milestones.  When a big enough “why” leads our daily decision, it becomes easier to make the difficult choices.  

If frugality comes easier to you, try to replace the guilt trips with enthusiasm about your own frugal wins.  Change takes time, and it helps to show by example that lowering expenses doesn’t have to feel like a daunting sacrifice.  

Less spending means more money to throw at the debt, savings and investments. The first goal in our journey may be to get out debt or save our first emergency fund.  However, when it is time to invest, we are not just doing so in the market or even real estate, but we also have the resources to invest in ourselves and what we value.

Implementing frugality into our plan means having the opportunity to evaluate our priorities and possibly address the deeper issues behind mindless spending.  Once we become aware of our patterns, we improve way beyond our net worth.   

Frugality is far from being cheap or penny-pinching your way to wealth. 

Frugality is economic optimization – It is minimizing waste while directing our resources towards creating a life we love to live.

How do you define frugality? Have your views on being frugal change along the way? I would love to hear your thoughts 😊

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