Helping family financially is a subject of polarizing opinions. Nonetheless, many of us decide to do so for a variety of reasons that vary from cultural to personal.
This article is not about if you should or shouldn’t help. Instead, my purpose is to share how you can offer your financial support in a more positive and rewarding way.
In my opinion, giving is one of the best things to do with money and it can be a great way to bless family members. Both of my dads (my biological father and my stepdad) were big givers in our family. They made a huge difference in the lives of many and I feel called to follow their example.
I witnessed how financial assistance can propel others forward by providing them opportunities they wouldn’t have otherwise. It can help ease hardship and pain during difficult times. For many of us who have parents abroad, money can help provide them with dignified retirement when there aren’t good alternatives.
Unfortunately, giving is not always an altruistic field of roses, especially when it comes to relatives.
Giving carelessly can have negative effects in our immediate family, the person(s) we think we are helping, and even ourselves.
Many have gotten burnt by “trying to help” a family member financially; too often resentment is the only thing left from a transaction that started with good intent.
I believe there are few rules that are important to follow if we choose to financially assist relatives.
I wanted to share what has made giving to family a more positive experience for us – at least when I actually follow my own advice.
1. Give on YOUR terms
Many of us grew up in families or even cultures that imprinted us with expectations. We experienced the blurred lines of family and finances; lack of healthy boundaries made what was yours and ours a matter of opinion.
However, we have the power of choice to break cycles that don’t serve us. For example, I am fine with helping my parents in their retirement, but we are building a strong financial foundation so our son doesn’t have to take care of us. After all, we now live in a country that makes that possible.
We should give because we feel called to rather than pressured to do so; giving should never happen out of guilt or demand.
Giving feels best when it is our decision to do so; a decision we transparently discuss with our spouse and make in agreement with them. We add it to our budget and we can comfortably say “no” when we have other pressing priorities.
Giving on our terms possibly means we have to set boundaries with family which may not be easy at first but it is absolutely necessary.
Be careful with your giving if you feel someone else is pulling your strings. Always give on your terms. You decide the how, who, and when; that is not decided for you.
2. Steer away from family loans
Giving loans to family members works well until it doesn’t. It can truly change relationship dynamics and can bring unwelcome awkwardness to the table (literally).
Shortly after I started getting my finances in order I decided to never loan money again; if I wanted to help I would just give. No loans, no expectations of a payback. If they insisted, I’ll first ask them to pay it forward or take it and add it to our giving fund.
It is so liberating to have no strings attached. It also helps with filling our cup first and giving from the excess (remember the size of your cup is up to you!). When I said yes to loans and expected the money back, I would loan more than the amount I was comfortable giving. Counting on a payback can be a recipe for disaster if people don’t keep their word or if you must watch their spending while they owe you money.
It is much better to steer away from loaning money to family, or anyone in general (cosigning included!).
3. Be careful not to do harm with your help
Giving can become enabling when it perpetuate unhealthy behaviors. However, I do believe we all have the intuition to recognize these situations it if we pay close attention rather than giving mindlessly.
Excessively helping someone can also rob them of a much-needed learning opportunity. A little boost here and there can make a huge difference for a person that is willing to learn from their mistakes. However, fully protecting them from the consequences of their action can be very damaging in the short and long term.
A friend said once to me “view everyone as capable,” when she saw how I would jump to offer my help more for my own need to feel needed. Learning to perceive everyone as capable shifted my view on how I can assist others without solving their entire problem. Moreover, it helped me examine my own intentions behind giving.
Financial assistance should always be done responsibly to ensure we do not harm others or ourselves in the process.
4. Get creative with your giving
Giving money is not the only way we can help someone in our family. Help can be given as time, guidance, or even a simple introduction.
Depending on the circumstances, you can welcome a family member into your home temporarily or give them some work if they have a skill you or your business could use. You can help them with advice or connect them to something or someone that can assist them with their situation.
For instance, rather than sending money back home, we could send items family members may need. Alternatively, financial assistance may be better if it directly pays for school, training, or a specific service rather than offering the cash upfront.
There are many ways to give and you should choose what works best for you and your immediate family. Get creative, money is just one way to give not the only way.
5. Don’t give to get
The joy of giving should come from the act of doing so and not for how it is received. I know many of us KNOW this in theory but I also recognize it can be difficult to fully implement.
You should never give to control or manipulate. Offering your input may be valid in some situations where you are providing financial support. However, revisit your intentions if you feel a strong need to change others or are attached to people’s validation or appreciation of your help.
If you have a bad experience with giving, don’t get bitter but use it as a lesson. As with many things, we won’t always get it right and we can always learn from what could have gone better.
Giving is a great way to feel abundance and improve the lives of others as we improve our own. By following these five rules we can avoid common pitfalls that can cost us peace of mind and even valuable relationships when we choose to financially assist relatives.
Do you offer financial support to your family? Is there any other advise/rule you would add to the list? I would love to hear from you 🙂
You make some valid points! My experience lending money to a friend somewhat soured me to our relationship. Especially, like you said, expecting to be paid back while having to watch the poor spending habits. This would probably be worse with a family member– very awkward and difficult. Thanks for a great read 🙂
Thank you for stopping by Ana! and for leaving a comment 🙂 We all learn by experience but may be sharing it can save someone the sour taste of a loan gone wrong.